Three!

 Well this is a quite belated post. I wanted to write around Charlie’s birthday at the end of May to record some memories of him at this stage. 

Charlie is that absolute mix right now of toddler turning into little kid- he still has the pudgy baby cheeks and propensity for throwing some tantrums but also is running and throwing better every day and by degrees becoming more self sufficient. 

Things I know I’ll never remember as vividly as I want to- his belly laugh when he’s delighted by something, usually his older brother. 

His absolute love and watchfulness of Owen and everything he says and does.

The way he’ll run around the house at full speed yelling all the words he knows to “let it go” like it is some kind of race event until he is red in the face and out of breath. 

His love of cars- I find micro machines all over the house, every surface, nook and cranny available. He conducts his own races, they all line up, and a lot of the time they head to the airport to fly to Mexico.

His make believe friends- the other night I heard him having a dialogue that was “you’re Charlie?” “I’m Charlie too, so we’re both Charlie” too funny.

If one of his imaginary friends or stuffed animals is upset it’s usually because “they miss their mommy”.

When I picked him up from preschool the other day and asked what he did at school he said “played a silly game with Owen and Liam” and was so delighted with himself and giggling that they had played this very very silly game.

Charlie is my kid who is like tropical weather, he’s all sunshine and good vibes with the occasional strong storm rolling through and then gone again in a flash. 

I love him so much and can’t imagine not having him as part of this life.

Camping with Kiddies

 We took the kids camping this weekend- Owen has been before with Jacob, but it was Charlie’s first time. I was nervous that he would freak out at the end of the night about sleeping in a tent, but thankfully for me he was up all night the night before with a hacking cough so by the time we got to camping he was pretty tired. And he generally goes along with whatever Owen is doing. 

I hadn’t thought about how entertained they would be simply by the tent- they treated it like their fort and were jumping around, playing cars, having a grand old time in there. They were generally super cute the whole time- just running around and being silly in the woods, peeing on trees and eating snacks and getting excited about seeing the trees and sunrise and moon. It’s always amazing to see their excitement in things that we as adults can take for granted. We got to the valley on Sunday and went on a bike ride where Charlie proceeded to fall asleep for a good hour and a half as we rode around. 

Overall, great time with them.

Can I freeze time?

The title is a bit facetious but there are some things I wish I could just bottle up to return to - with Charlie turning 3 soon there is just a bit of baby left to him - the pudgy cheeks and how he still wants to be carried sometimes, and still wwants to snuggle and be a "baby" on occasion. I feel like those are things that I will look up in a few months and they'll be over, he'll be a big boy like his big brother running around everywhere and with no baby fat left to him.

It's mostly the cheeks - why do kids get the softest, plumpest, cutest cheeks around? I guess so we find them cute even when they're throwing tantrums! But seriously, I'll miss the soft, soft baby skin and snuggles.

And then with Owen it's big boy with glimpses of a future where he won't want to talk to me or hang out with me. It's like he's on the edge, one side wanting to still be a little boy where he has less responsibilities and gets coddled and on the other side is the wanting to be more mature and do more for himself but a little scared about what that entails too.

I feel like the wanting to bottle time runs through life but is much more acute in motherhood; I feel it more than I do about any of my earlier life. And then at the same time I wish I could freeze things I also am really excited for what is ahead, as the boys do get more mature and capable and we can go on more and bigger adventures with them.

Little ears everywhere

 I am reminded time and time again of how much kids pick up even when we're not talking directly to them / about them or don't even think they're listening.

The other day I was having a conversation with our au pair that was a little more on the serious side and I could tell Charlie picked up on the emotion and weight of it, because when I went to leave after that, heading out the door for a run, he asked me if I was running on the road and told me to be careful and make sure I watched out for cars. It's the first time he's ever said anything like that to me and we have been on the "be careful of cars" thing a lot because of bike riding, but my sense is that he wanted to convey something more there.

But on the general cuteness roundup, when I was putting Owen to bed the other night, which usually involves some dragging feet and prodding to brush teeth, I told him I loved him and he replied back that he loved me the most. That always makes my heart full.

Charlie on the other hand is full of it with planes and cars and birds right now and we'll go outside and he'll talk about how all the birds are going to get on the plane to go to Mexico (where we went for spring break). And then I call him Charlie Bird a lot and we talked the other day about what kind of bird he is, and decided on a seagull since they live at the beach and he said "hooray!". So cute. I also went in to put Owen to bed last night, Charlie was still awake, and I walked over and he said "Mommy I'm hungry". That kid and food!

T Ball

 Yesterday Charlie was out back practicing his "baseball swing" which mostly entails him holding a fake bat, swinging and spinning himself in a 360, then running the bases in a circle - pretty entertaining. I asked Owen if he would go and cheer for Charlie next spring if he plays t-ball, and he immediately said yes, then said, "but mom, I don't want us to have to split up, like you take Charlie to a game and Dad takes me to a game". I said, "ok, so you'd rather that we all try to go together?" and he said "yes, I want us to all go together". 

Granted, the same kid later in the evening kicked some of his brother's cars out of the way and refused to give him a good night hug, but his tender little heart makes mine happy.

No shirts to wear

 Owen was really frustrated this morning - he had a "free dress" pass for school - he typically wears a uniform- and while you think that would make things easier he had a really hard time figuring out what he wanted to wear. The kid usually wears shorts and a tshirt any chance he gets but today is a little cooler and he had decided he wanted a long sleeved shirt. Then he decided that his 2 long sleeved shirts that he normally likes were "jackets" not shirts. Then he was upset that he wanted a shirt with a sports team, and all of those are short sleeved shirts. You can see where this is going - he was one big mess of frustration and anger over not liking his choices.

After dropping him at school (wearing a short sleeved shirt under one of the sub-optimal long sleeved shirts) I realized that his frustrations are the exact same as what I've been feeling related to my current job situation. I was laid off from the startup I was with in the fall, and since then have been doing some part time work and trying to figure out what else it is that I most want to do. Part of me doesn't want to do the startup thing anymore, because of the volatility and craziness it entails. I also don't want "big" company - too much beauracracy and BS work and not enough impact. I'm not a pure digital marketer. I'm not a technical data analyst. I haven't had a C-level title. It can feel a lot of the time like I don't have the "right" skills and knowledge, and then I can start to doubt myself about the experience I do have.

But when I get over that, like Owen finally did this morning, I'm left with the options in front of me, there are no magical unicorn options to be had that are exactly the perfect gig I want. The best thing I can do is remind myself that my experience is valuable, and to keep going - to set up more networking calls, look for industry events that I can attend, and also put my head down and do some work on the part time gig that I do have. Keep going, and take action.

All the birthday celebrations

 We had Owen's birthday party with school friends this past weekend and it was really nice to see all of the boys all together having fun playing some games. They are really a good group of kids and it's interesting to see them mature; while we were playing all the games there were some still hesitant to go play, although less than in previous years, and of course there were a few instances of tears but again, less than previously. It's definitely funny to watch their dynamics because it seems like they each have a few others that they pay attention to and other than those few kids they really don't pay any attention to what is going on. Owen didn't even realize afterwards everyone who had been at the party, which I guess is my signal that I should have made him at minimum say hello and goodbye to everyone who attended. They kind of get like squirrels in a big exciting environment, running around and not really paying attention to what is going on around them. 

As always though, fun to watch them grow and change and so hard to believe that we have a big seven year old kid, I know it will be a blink of an eye and he'll be eight.