3 years

It's been nearly 3 years since I was pregnant for the first time. Crazy. It has probably been the most difficult period of my life so far. I know on the scale of bad things that can happen it is far from the worst, but there has been a lot of heartbreak in the past few years.

At this point I feel that most of the time I have a decent perspective on things, thanks in large part to both supportive family and friends and a good therapist. But there are still plenty of times that I am really down on things, and just try to remember that at some point in the future it won't seem as bad. I had one of those patches recently when I learned that another one of our friends in Richmond was pregnant. I think it would take me at least both hands to count up the number of friends who have not been thinking about having kids, then gotten pregnant and had a baby, all in the time that Jacob and I have been trying to just get and stay pregnant. It makes me feel like everyone is just passing us by while we're stuck in the same shitty spot. 

But. I try to just get on with things and hope that in a few days I wake up and don't feel like my world has a black cloud over it. 

To write or not to write?

I haven't posted in a while. I've had a lot going on (more about that in a second) but also was feeling kind of burned out on all things infertility related. 

So, in the past few months I got a new job across the country, we sold our house, husband got a new job, packed up house, moved into new place, and now are almost settled- but it's been crazy. The good news of it on the fertility front is that I'm now seeing a world-class expert at UCSF, in a center that is worlds better than the office I had been going to- they actually answer their phone! And respond to questions!

But, on the not so good front I feel like I'm in Groundhog Day as far as treatment goes- once again my lining didn't look good, had a hysteroscopy that hopefully took care of some scarring and other damage, and am now on a "mock cycle" to see if I respond to the drugs for an embryo implantation cycle. When we did this last summer I didn't respond, so here's hoping this time is better but I'm not going to hold my breath.