Boarding Planes

after the last post I thought I'd go for a little lighter note.

So I travel a lot, and I'm fortunate to frequently get upgraded to first class. And it never ceases to amaze me when I'm boarding a plane that old, white guys (and I say that because they make up most of first class) seem to never even have a thought that someone who a) is young (and by that I mean generally under 40) and b) not a man, could possibly be boarding in first class with them. On many occasions I have been elbowed out of the way by these guys hurrying to board (what's thr hurry anyway? To sit there longer?) since I could definitely not be boarding with them.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is don't make assumptions! (And, it's not worth pushing people around to board a plane earlier. Really.)

On to round 2

It's been a tough week. I debated writing this post because it feels like a downer, but in the spirit of being honest on the blog here it is. So last week on the same day I found out that I was not pregnant and met my first niece, born about 2 weeks ago now. She is adorable and precious and I could not be happier for my sister in law and her husband, but it was definitely bittersweet and combined with a few other things out me into a funk for a few days (maybe still?). Again, I do NOT have any hard feelings towards my sis in law and her family, but just really made it hit home that I want so much for that to be me and my husband with the adorable little baby. Then last night I went to dinner with a few girls, 1 of whom is a few months pregnant and 2 who announced to the group last night that they were pregnant....talk about wanting to stick forks in my eyes! And they're not people I'm really close with, so except for one person don't know about my situation right now. And I'm happy for all of them, really, but I guess it's just where I am right now in life that it feels like absolutely everyone is pregnant and having babies. One of the girls even said "everyone is pregnant right now" and it's like...no.....I'm not....but wish I was. So, I got in the car and cried on the way home.....and then was mad at myself for crying because it's really nothing new.....but all I can do is wake up and try again today.

As for Dr update, we are doing the same regimen as last month which means I should know a bit before Christmas if I'm pregnant. If I'm not, we're most likely going to go ahead and do ivf for the next round.

Would it have been mean.....

I went back to the Dr office yesterday, I'm not sure really what for since all he told me was that I ovulated, which was fairly obvious since I had taken a shot a week prior to make me ovulate. Thanks captain obvious.

Anyways, I then got an hcg "booster" shot in case I am pregnant, and also as a mean trick to make me have to wait a full 2 weeks from the shot to take a pregnancy test, even though I would otherwise have been able to test 4-5 days sooner. So the nurse, after giving me the shot (in my ass, which ended up being so much more sore than the shots in my thighs or stomach, surprisingly) then says "this is the hardest part to wait". At the time, I was slightly annoyed and replied "yes, but at least I'll be busy" but in hindsight, when I am always much more clever, what i wish I had said was "no, the hardest part is waiting out the first trimester to see if I have another miscarriage". What do you think- would that have been too mean? But really, I feel like these nurses have no idea what my history is sometimes. I can see that for someone going to this doctor because they haven't been able to get pregnant than yes, it would be exciting and tough to wait to see if you're knocked up. But I've been there, done that three times now. While it will be exciting if it happens, I won't have any kind of sense of relief or reassurance just from getting a positive pregnancy test. I guess all I'd ask is that they out some kind of summary sheet on my chart, just a few lines that people can glance at before they treat me that says, in big letters, HAS HAD 3 MISCARRIAGES. Then at least we would all be on the same page.

Oh, and I'm not actually angry about this now, I'm case that's what it sounded like!

Pins and Needles

So we are ready to try, try again- I have done 5 days of femara followed by 3 days of follistim injections, with the hope of having multiple eggs that can be released this cycle. We went in today and found out I have 2 "ripe" eggs- since we started out conservative on the drugs for this round I think that it's probably good, and about what we could have expected.

So I'll do my trigger shot on Thursday and then go back next week....so countdown of about 2 weeks to see if i get pregnant.

The injections were not really bad to do, but I was surprised by how nervous in was to do it each time. And, for the record, 2 out of 3 airport screening locations did not question the needles/ ice packs at all. I'm not sure if that makes me feel like they are reasonable, or incompetent....

Also in the meantime I did my first acupuncture session last week, I found it to be fairly relaxing and enjoyable and while not totally sold on it's healing powers figure I'll give it a shot for a bit. He told me that if/ when I get pregnant we would do more "intensive" sessions in the first trimester- not exactly sure what that means so stay tuned!

Update 10.16.14- Damn Bees!

It has been a long time since I have written! I think I partly needed a break from writing, partly got busy, and was also somewhat frustrated in how I was feeling the past few weeks.

So for the summary:

- went back to Shah for my post op session where we were given options to do either full blown IVF, controlled ovulation (chance to fertilize multiple eggs on one cycle) or of course do nothing (always an option).

- decided to do IVF with the preimplantation embryo screening......then changed our minds right before my appointment this past monday, the 13th. So we are going to do the controlled ovulation. Right now I am not on anything really special, I am a few weeks in on my thyroid medication and also taking prenatal vitamins and selenium, and will shortly be starting Co-Q 10 and then on sunday Femara, followed by follicule stimulation injections. We will go back to the Drs office on the 28th to see how many follicles (eggs) have developed and whether to go forward with an ovulation trigger shot.

- in the meantime I had a bad allergic reaction to a bee sting (which I got just sitting in my backyard) and for the past week had gotten 2 epinepherine injections, was on prednisone for 7 days, and am finishing off a 10 day regimen of antibiotics (just to be on the safe side).....WHEW

I feel like my body hardly knows what I am throwing at it anymore.....and in between that, throw in travel for work, not always sleeping well (or not sleeping at all for several nights with prednisone) and I almost feel like I need a few weeks of some sort of healthy living cleanse to get a clean slate. Either that, or a full regimen of fertility drugs!

In the meantime, the Dr also said he wants me to go to a guy he partners with on acupuncture/ herbal supplements, so I start that next week. Have I said that I feel fortunate not only to have a job with a schedule flexible enough for me to make all these appts, but with good health insurance? Well if I haven't, then I am....and am reminded every time that I go to an appt that for some people it is much, much harder.

All for now-

Flip a Coin?

Went back to the Dr again Thursday for my post-op and to discuss what we're going to do. Here's the recap:

- TPO (thyroid antibodies)- still significantly elevated in latest blood work, so we will treat with synthroid starting now so I can get used to the medication
- anticardiolipids- borderline elevated. Will definitely treat with at least baby aspirin, and he will make a call about using the other meds once I get pregnant

So here's our choice:

- do IVF, where we could also do genetic screening and get as close as possible to "ensuring" that things will go ok, considering that we can never make anything absolutely 100%

- do a less invasive version of controlled egg release, where we would essentially try to play a numbers game and have 2 or 3 embryos develop in one cycle, assuming that if 1-2 of them have genetic issues that we would get 1 that comes out ok

We are seriously leaning towards the IVF for this round. We are very fortunate that my employer will pay a large portion of the costs for it for a round so figure we don't have too much to lose in trying.

We do have a debate underway though and I asked Jacob what he thought about just flipping a coin to decide :)

Coexistence

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I can have different emotions about a particular subject coexist, even if they are seemingly in complete conflict with each other. For instance, I recently learned that a good friend is newly pregnant. One part of me wants to feel so happy for her, while another part is jealous and wishes that I could just get pregnant and have things be easy. But this morning I thought, why not just be both? I feel like I put pressure on myself to feel just one way or consistent, when in reality, who says I can't be both? In an ideal world, sure, I'd just be happy for her and that would be it. But it's not how things are, so why not just accept that and go on. I feel like mentally I have a hard time thinking that that is "ok" but hopefully it will get easier over time.

On the update front, my repeat blood work came back with essentially the same thing as before, elevated TPO and borderline elevated anticardiolipids, so we'll discuss treating both with the doc next week when we go in. I'm feeling a bit more settled in our decision about IVF but am still hoping that once we really start it I will feel more at peace with deciding to do it.

Procedure updates

Went in yesterday for my hysteroscopy, which was a relatively short procedure. But I hope I don't have to sit around a hospital again for a while!! For someone who was never seriously ill before, 4 surgeries in just over a year feels like a lot. And maybe I'm a wuss, but getting the IV is about the worst part. This time it took 5 tries for them to get mine started....ouch.

Anyways, yesterday the doc found that there was some tissue left from my last pregnancy, which he then cleaned up so hopefully I have a clean slate going forward.

We will go back in 2 weeks for a post-op and also to plan moving forward- I think we are mostly decided on doing IVF. Unlike people who use it because they have trouble getting pregnant we would do it primarily for the genetic embryo screening. I have struggled a lot with whether or not to do it; do we go the very invasive route, or just try again naturally and see what happens?

The only thing I keep coming back to is that going into the third pregnancy I decided that the third time was going to be it- after that I wanted to do anything we possibly could to test, fix, and take every chance to have a healthy pregnancy and baby.

More tests and more tests- Update 9.5.14

So I am starting to feel a bit like a human pincushion. We went back to our specialist yesterday and have a few new results to report:

- genetics- Jacob and I both have normal karyotypes (which does not mean that we act normal!) but is good news. Means that we *should* be able to combine our genes to form a good embryo
- saline sonogram- had this done in office yesterday, looked mostly normal but did have a polyp which is going to require a hysteroscopy to remove. Oh good, another surgery! Kidding. It is relatively minor but certainly kind of annoying that we have to do yet another procedure. I am scheduled to go next week and at least this time we can go to Jacob's hospital to have it done.

We also got blood drawn for a prep screen testing for other rare diseases we might be carriers for. That one will take a few weeks to come back.

In the meantime, I'll go Monday to have blood drawn to re-test my antibody levels from the testing in August. Talk about maxing out the insurance this year.....

Also, before we left we did talk a bit with him about next steps, where Jacob and I always like to ask for the doc's real opinion, what they would do, as long as it seems like we trust them. So when asked, he said that if it was his wife in this situation, and if they had the money, they would do IVF. The only real thing that it does for us is eliminate the question of the genetics of the embryo being ok, but given that there really doesn't seem to be too much else we can do and that I REALLY don't want to have another miscarriage, it may be the route we end up going.

In short- we're lucky that all the tests have come back fairly normal and have not revealed any additional serious problems. On the downside, it hasn't pointed to any definite reason for all the miscarriages. So....wish us luck with the next round of tests!

Sweet Kiddos

I got to spend the last 2 nights with one of my coworkers, and since we've been friends for a while she invited me to stay at her family's house outside of Boston.

She has 2 sons, ages 3 and 6, who are just adorable bundles of energy. I always think it's so cute to see how kids can be shy at first, because you're a stranger, but after a few hours of hanging out with them will be snuggled up with you by the end of the night. The boys seemed to have endless energy- jumping in the pool over and over, racing each other back and forth around the house to fetch toys, and bouncing up and down on the sofa. To me, it was adorable, but I'm sure for them dealing with it every day is a handful!!

I am grateful I got to spend time with them and it makes me very much look forward to the day when Jacob and I will hopefully have our own rascals running around.

Guest Blog- Rachel

My college roommate, Rachel, is a brilliant doctor, wife, and mother of two beautiful boys and graciously agreed to let me post what she sent to me in response to the blog:

I know I have told you about the miscarriage that we had between Liam and Rowan and I know that having one is nothing like having three, but over the course of that year (of trying, miscarrying, and trying again), I could definitely relate to some of the sentiments that you shared.  

We started trying for #2 in June 2011....After four months I was pregnant.  We went to Florida on a trip at 7 weeks, just before the first doctors appt.  I FELT so pregnant and was very cavalier about telling ALL my family and friends down there that we were expecting again....Only to be so deeply disappointed and devastated when there as no heartbeat at our appt a few weeks later.  Christmas that year was tough so say the least.

We started trying again as soon as we could.  In my residency program of 15, it seemed everyone else was trying to get pregnant too.  Tracy (due June 2012....a few weeks before I *would* have been due....a constant, painful reminder), Siri (due Oct 2012), Emily( due Jan 2013), Lixia (due Feb 2013), Julie (May 2013).  It took until July 2012 to conceive again and I swear those months of trying, wondering, stressing were among the longest of my life.  These women were all my friends but I was too bitter and jealous to listen to them talk about their pregnancies.  Unlike Facebook, I couldn't avoid them and seeing them all pregnant and happy everyday at work was like a slap in the face ;( 

During those months of trying I did all I could to help increase my odds of conceiving....I read WAY too many blogs/websites.  Sex was no longer fun but was a chore.  I went for weekly acupuncture (which was an expensive form of torture, BTW, and didn't help) and took weird herbal supplements given to me by a sketchy Chinese herbalist.  I also had a hystersosalpingogram (which was normal) and was prepared to go on fertility meds (if nothing happened by Sept 2012).  

During this time it was very helpful to me to hear stories of others who had gone through something similar and to know that I was not alone.  

----------

Thank you for sharing Rachel!

Specialist Update

So right off the bat, I have to admit that I had a bit of a meltdown (as Jacob can confirm) leaving the Dr's office yesterday. It wasn't that there was any bad news per se, just more that there are still a lot of questions out there and I think I wanted there to be some "aha!" moment with a big answer.

The summary is that we are going to do several more tests to explore what to do next:

- genetic screening of Jaocb and myself, to hopefully rule out that we have translocations occuring

- repeat blood work for me- I had some questionable results in anticardiolipids, which could have just been that the levels were still elevated from being pregnant. If not normal next time, would mean blood thinner treatment

- TPO antibodies- will also be repeated since they were very elevated, but thyroid function is normal, so no clear path of treatment there. He thinks that this would affect implantation if anything, so if it was causing issues I likely wouldn't have had pregnancies get to 9 and 11 weeks previously

- saline ultrasound- will have this in a week or 2 to make sure my uterine cavity looks normal

- elevated AMH levels- this is an indicator of egg reserves- my number came back high, which is good and bad- the good is that it means I generally will get pregnant easily, the bad is that I have so many eggs that it may be throwing off the ratio of good:bad eggs and make it harder for us to get a "normal" embryo

So- it will be about a month until we have all the testing done and results back, and then, barring any really new info, will be up to us to decide if we want to go the more invasive route, which would mean doing IVF to do preimplantation genetic screening of the embryos, or if we want to "roll the dice" one more time, probably with some low level drugs in there too, and see what happens.

As of now, I'm fairly inclined to go with more intervention at this point. I feel like my tolerance for another miscarriage right now is low.

Stay tuned.......

Pee

Did the title get your attention?

I just had to share because I couldn't believe this- I was sitting in one of the delta sky clubs the other day on my way home and there was a lady with a small white dog. The dog is on a leash but is searching around, sniffing- looking like he is searching for a "spot". The woman is not paying any attention as he squats down and proceeds to make a nice little pee puddle on the carpet. Really?!

But it gets better. I don't think she even knew that he had peed, but another minute later the dog searches around again and then squats down to poop! Thankfully she actually noticed this one and scoops it up with a pee pad.

I've traveled a lot for a few years but I guess there is always something crazy to see that i haven't seen before!

Some answers, more questions

So we got one more piece of information in what is becoming our puzzle. The genetic results of the tissue from my last miscarriage came back, and there was a chromosomal abnormality called trisomy 3. In certain cases, but now with chromosome 3, an extra copy of a chromosome can still result in a live baby, although usually not without effects (an extra copy of a chromosome is what causes Down syndrome). So, in the words of my OB, that last pregnancy was simply not meant to be. So. While that is reassuring in a way in that it gives us a very specific answer for that pregnancy we do not have the same information for the previous two and will have to wait and see if the blood tests come back with anything that would be more answers.

The biggest question would be if the blood tests come back normal, would it mean that we have simply been incredibly unlucky in getting random genetic issues in all three of the previous pregnancies? I know it is certainly possible but would have a hard time believing that three in a row could all happen to have issues.

Stay tuned......

The Longest Shortest Time

I am stealing the name of this post from a site that one of my dear college friends sent me a link to. She specifically sent me a link to this podcast:

http://longestshortesttime.com/2014/02/05/podcast-23-the-longest-longest-time/

For anyone who is interested in listening, I would say a few things:

- first, I think it was a very well done piece

- But, it is fairly long (over 30 min) and I found it a bit disheartening for someone in my position

Why disheartening? Because it follows the story of a woman and her husband who tried to have kids for over 10 years, through miscarriage, IUI, IVF, trying to adopt, FINALLY becoming successful at having a child through a surrogate.

I can't even imagine waiting that long. But at the same time, I can easily see how it could happen. You go down one treatment path and it takes a few months, only to go down the next one. At one point she had a miscarriage at 20 weeks. That's 5 months in folks.

Don't get me wrong- I'm not trying to say it's a race, and I will be the first to admit that I am a very impatient person. But I would have an extremely hard time having my entire 30s go by childless. It's something I don't even want to think about at this point, which is why I think that listening was hard for me.

I certainly don't know how things are going to pan out for Jacob and I, but I would imaging reaching a point, in the not too distant future, where we will do whatever it takes- fertility, domestic adoption, international adoption- to have a child. I know we have ideas of which of those we would prefer, but at some point I think my desire to be a mom will override anything else.

Thanks again to my friend for the link!

Dr Update 8.12.14

I went to my regular OB yesterday for a check in and to get blood work done in advance of going to see the specialist next week. One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that I really like my OB, Lea Mahoney with West End Obgyn. She has been so kind to me and I trust her when I ask "if you were in my shoes, what would you do at this point?" She gave us her recommendation for a specialist which we went with (to be seen how that goes!).

Anyway, she has gotten in touch with the specialist to see what labs he would want to see initially, and has talked to him a bit about my history. From their preliminary discussion, he said that he suspects one of the clotting disorders is what has been affecting the pregnancies. We'll see if he's right when the labs come back next week.....but in the meantime, it got Jacob and I talking about how in a way we would kick ourselves if some simple blood tests would have been able to tell us what was wrong, and we could have saved this year of heartache. But, hindsight is 20/20, right? I really don't want to dwell on what we could have/ should have done any differently.

Here is the list of labs for those of you medically inclined:

AMH

Prolactin, TSH, TPO Antibodies

Lupus Anticoag, Anticardiolipin Ab, Type 2 anti-beta glycoprotein

Throws me back to my BME/ Biology days......glad those are behind me! :)

Throwback

I wrote this a while back, when I had just found out I was pregnant for the third time (obviously I've written on here about how that ended up):

My husband and I are pretty typical 31 year olds- went to college, worked a bit, went to grad school (me) got married, went to grad school (him) and always thought that when we got more "settled" then it would be the perfect time to have a baby. Apparently life had slightly different plans for us.

I went off the pill in April 2013, after about 10 years of being on it pretty much continuously. It had always worked well for me. We decided we were ready to start "trying" and we were so excited to get pregnant quickly, in June. We were on top of the world in June; we had just bought our first house, my husband signed a contract for a good job once he graduated in December, and I was pregnant. We told close family members, but primarily waited until I went to the doctor at around 8 weeks and we could see a heartbeat to tell more friends and family. 

In august things changed quickly. When I went in for what was supposed to be my 12 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat. Almost immediately when the tech put the ultrasound want in and had trouble finding a fetus my heart dropped and the feeling was sickening. I was shocked; there had been no real signs or symptoms or anything being wrong. We were the unlucky 1%. (While overall miscarriage rates are listed at 20-30%, once a heartbeat is seen the rate is reported to drop to about 1%). I was shocked, called my husband to come drive me home, and went home and took a sleeping pill at 11am and crawled under the covers. I had left my doctors office telling her I would think about what I wanted to do, given the options of D & C, cytotec, or waiting for things to happen naturally. Needless to say, I did not sleep well and called at 6am to leave a message and tell them to get me scheduled for the D & C. It went fine; the next day I actually felt really good. But once all of the real feeling started to set in I couldn't help but feel crazy that it was all so much out of my control, and guilty at the same time as if it was me who had caused it to happen.

To make matters worse, our dog that we had had for 3 years, journey had run away 10 days earlier and was still missing. In fact, the reason I went alone to the doctor was that we had gotten a call that someone had spotted the dog. So. Every morning when I woke up, as soon as I was conscious, I would think "no dog. No baby". Needless to say, not a very happy way to start the day.

And yes, I want to take a minute to recognize my wallowing here, and that so many people are going through equally tough if not tougher things every day. The loss of a child, or parent, or spouse, terminal illness, infertility- all incredibly hard.

My husband and I knew that in the grand scheme of things it was ok- we were young, we had time. Although we did end up having some interesting conversations about our different takes on "ready for a baby". For me (the leaning towards type A personality) being ready meant that I was READY. I wanted a baby in 9 months. For him, being ready meant that if it happened sometime in the reasonable future his world would be good. Different expectations for sure.

So we waited the requisite month, were thankful that my period returned exactly a month after the procedure, and we were ready to try again, thinking that this time the coin toss would land on our side. I got pregnant quickly again, in November, finding out right before thanksgiving. I went to the doctor twice, at about 6 weeks and 9 weeks, both times things looking good (despite the near panic attacks I'd get driving to the doctors office). In late January I went in for the same, 12 week appointment, and this time we were going to try and find the heartbeat and just go from there. Well, you can guess the rest. No heartbeat on Doppler, go to ultrasound, no heartbeat there. D&C the following day.

I felt so betrayed by my body- how could I have no sign or feeling that something was so terribly wrong? Why was this happening to us? We wanted so much to be parents, we're ready to be good and loving parents, and yet it just wasn't happening. I couldn't help but think with bitterness about people who just get pregnant accidentally and it all goes well. I try to be a positive person, but it was incredibly hard to go to a gathering with friends (many of whom had 1 child already) and hear them talk about planning their vacation schedules around having a second, as if it's just that easy for everyone. And don't get me wrong- I am so happy for them and can see the joy that their kids bring. And I would not wish on them for anything what we've gone through. But. Hard to keep that perspective and cheerful attitude all the time. 

Side note- at least the second time we did have the dog- he was found by animal control in a fenced backyard 6 weeks after he went missing, severely underfed and missing a tooth and 2 nails but otherwise no worse for wear.

But the miscarriages certainly took a toll mentally, not to mention the physical aspects of going through about 6 months of pregnancy too. For someone who has always been a planner and felt pretty in control of life, this shook me up. I had no control, no way of knowing what was going to happen, and no real answers about why it happened.

Geep!

At the risk of this turning into a cute animal blog (not that that would be a terrible thing) I thought this story was pretty adorable:

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/adorable-goat-sheep-hybrid-born-arizona-petting-zoo-video-article-1.1891976

And besides the cute animal, love the fact that it almost seems fake- the owner "didn't even know the sheep was pregnant" and "thinks an amorous goat is responsible". Hilarious.

The part about the different chromosomes is actually pretty cool though. Hope it makes you smile too!

It's journey!

Figured I should post at least one picture (even if from a while ago) of the mascot himself:

Coat (that he doesn't look thrilled about) courtesy of his grandma Judith.

Plan vs reality

A friend sent this picture to me related to a work project, but I think it does a pretty accurate job of summing up a lot of what I'm putting in the blog!

I was reminded by a friend yesterday (who has known me since I was 3) that I have always been a fairly introverted person- I tend to deal with things with working through them in my head more so than talking them out. So it was a bit scary and even a moment of almost panic yesterday to stop and think about how much I had put out there for semi-public consumption.

But the nice part is that I also feel lighter in a way, since I have gotten a lot off my chest.

And, for those of you who commented, I did not write everything on here just yesterday. I have been writing over the past few weeks here and there. Writing to me feels kind of like yoga- hard to get into at first, but then the more I do it the more I enjoy it. 

Recap

First, thanks to everyone who has sent me kind notes on the blog. It means a lot to me.

I wanted to take a minute to recap the last year and what's been going on since I know I've given just bits and pieces of info so far. (and in case there are any medical experts reading this who want to weigh in with an opinion!)

Jacob and I first got pregnant in June of 2013. We were super excited, but waited until we had an ultrasound with a heartbeat in July to tell many people. We then went back in August for what was supposed to be our 12 week ultrasound, and found that there was no heartbeat. It was definitely a shock to both of us, especially since at the time I didn't even really know what a missed miscarriage was- I always thought that I would know if something had happened. I had a D&C, and then we waited out the next month.

I then got pregnant again in late November, and pretty much repeated the whole cycle- I went in for an additional ultrasound, so we ended up having 2 where we saw a heartbeat, but when we went back for the 12 week there was no heartbeat and I had another D&C.

Then we decided to take a break for a bit, and planned to go on vacation in May. We talked to our doctor about different options, but decided to just ride things out a bit since even with 2 miscarriages it was still most likely to be just chance.

We got pregnant again in June and as soon as we knew I went on supplemental progesterone to see if that would help. This time, we went in the first time at what would have been 8-9 weeks but there was no heartbeat and it looked like the fetus was about 7 weeks. Another D&C....one of the anesthetists at the hospital joked (trying to lighten the mood) that I needed a frequent customer card.

Needless to say, I am no longer a fan of going in for ultrasounds. So, now we test and see what we can find out.

I will keep you posted......

Not what we expect

I find it funny the ways that I'm reminded sometime that we are all dealing with something....and that no one's life is perfect, even if it looks that way from the outside.

I was talking to someone yesterday and we were just chit-chatting about where we lived, pets, etc, and we came around to kids and marriage. She asked if I had kids and I told her no, not yet, and I asked her if she did, she said no but that her mom bugged her about grandkids all the time since she had been married and was now divorced. I knew she looked young (my age or even younger I thought) but then she said "I never expected that at 32 I would be married and divorced". 

All I could think is that it feels like we all deal with things that are unexpected...I know I certainly feel that way. I guess all we can do is try to roll with the punches.

But it truly does remind me that whenever I think someone's life seems "perfect"- job, kids, spouse, whatever- it rarely is. Whether people are dealing with an illness, family issues, things with their kids, there is always something.

Sorry if this has sounded depressing, it's actually meant to be a good thing. For me, it reminds me to try and be kind to people- you never know what they are dealing with.

Thankful for the advice of others

I have a colleague who is going through something similar to Jacob and I, and it has been so nice to have someone to discuss and identify with, where it doesn't feel like I'm bringing up a depressing subject to talk to her in detail about everything. I texted her yesterday as she had one of the tests that I will likely have soon (hysterosalpinogram) which looks to see if the structure of your cervix, uterus, and fallopian tubes all looks "normal". She said it was pretty easy and took 2 minutes- so nice to know that!

She also told me about some genetic testing that she and her husband did using a service called Counsyl. I think it looks promising but will probably wait to see what the specialist says when we go to meet with him Aug 20th before we go ahead with it. But nice to see that it has a max out of pocket cost of $299 for individuals.

I told her about my avoidance of facebook, and she said that she felt the same way- she actually has a number of close family members who are all pregnant, so I said kudos to her that she is staying sane! Because as much as I truly wish all of my friends and relatives well who are pregnant right now I just don't have the ability at the moment to feel super excited for them. I hope that will change with a little more time and distance.

I'm also grateful for people who are in the public eye and open up about their struggles to have kids- I can't imagine how hard that must be. Jaime King and Bobbi Thomas have both recently written/ been interviewed about their struggles with infertility:

http://www.today.com/parents/bobbie-thomas-no-more-whispers-im-doing-ivf-proud-it-1D79856706

http://www.people.com/article/jaime-king-five-miscarriages-infertility-struggle

I certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone, but it does make me feel a little better to see and know that there are others going through it, and also to see that everyone's path is different.

So a true update on where we stand:

- I go Aug 11th to get bloodwork with my regular OB/GYN to test for a whole host of things- clotting disorders, lipid disorders, etc
- Appointment with a renal endocrinologist/ infertility specialist Aug 20th. We chose him in part because he is a Blue Devil (go Duke!) and so when we go we will have the results of my bloodwork and the genetic testing from my last D&C. So I'm hoping we will make a plan of action based on the test results and go from there.....

Q&A

My doctor said something to me yesterday that resonated- I was talking to her about what's gone on the past few months (getting pregnant again, having a miscarriage and d&c again, figuring out where to go from here) and in talking about next steps she said that it's definitely a lot of uncertainty to deal with. And when you stop and think about it, it is kind of crazy how much uncertainty we all deal with every day. A miracle we're all not crazy (crazier?).

My short list of things I don't know, to get it off my chest:

- if Jacob and I will be able to have our own baby

- if there is anything genetically wrong

- if going to a specialist/ doing a bunch of testing will even tell us a cause for the previous miscarriages

- even if they find a likely cause, if the next pregnancy would work out

- if we would have a healthy child if a pregnancy did work out

- if we adopted, if it would be a "normal" (whatever that means), healthy baby

- how long it would take to adopt

- how many more months I may have to be pregnant without having a baby

I guess that's why it's about the journey and finding happiness in each day. Cause I know I don't have answers for that list and there isn't anyone, medical expert or otherwise, who can provide us the answers either.

So we have infertility....

Last week with the 3rd miscarriage we officially qualify as dealing with infertility.

Really, really not where I thought we'd be at 31. And this week I would have been due with the baby from the second pregnancy. I can't even imagine what things would be like if that was the case. It's easy to think that things would be better and wonderful and we wouldn't have had a lot of the problems we've had, but I'm sure things wouldn't have been as easy-peasy as I would like to imagine.

I can't even look at facebook anymore- I feel like everything is people who are pregnant, or friends who are having their first or second baby. Not that it should even matter, but people who got married way after we did. And I feel so isolated- I don't want it to be this way but I feel like even talking to my good friends who are pregnant- I don't want to hear about their pregnancy or babies (I so wish I could identify) even though I care about them and want them to be happy. So just me alone. Even my mom- she says she worries about me then when I talk to her all she cares about is if I've eaten. I mean, that's great and all, but I'm not going to starve to death. She should be more concerned with my mental state and if I'm still bleeding and hurting.

And it feels so depressingly long to think that it could be a year or more until we have a baby- easily. I feel like I need something to focus my energy on besides that, and right now work isn't really cutting it for that either.

We have started looking into adoption- again, not something I ever though even a year ago that we'd be considering. Hard to believe that it hasn't even been a year since our first miscarriage. How different everything was then- it feels like we were so naive and excited and now we're so jaded and disappointed.

I so much hope that we will be able to have kids of our own one day and I want to be pregnant more than anything, but I want to have kids even more than that, and so we're going to look into that as an option at the same time as doing the infertility treatments. I know the experience of actually having the baby would be different, and I'm sure at some level there is a bond that would at least be different through adoption, but I really don't think I would love a baby any less if we chose to adopt it.

Introduction

I like this title because it describes a lot of what is going on in my life as well as the way I aspire to be.

I tend to focus a lot on the end goal, checking things off the list, and can forget that the destinantion is not the main part- 99% is the journey. 

I find that so many times when I "get" the thing that I'm after I find myself saying, "that's it?" I've done it with promotions, shoes that I've lusted after for years, vacations, meals.....you name it. So my resolution is to enjoy the journey more.

It's also a fitting title that at least makes me smile a bit because our dog is named Journey. No, we did not name him for the band (although we like the band) but it is the name he came with from the shelter in Collierville, TN. Also fitting because last summer he went on a 6 week walkabout, only to be found by animal control a few weeks away from starving to death. More on that one later. So- fitting name for many reasons.

I found this section today on a blog that I am subscribed to and found it very fitting for what I have been thinking about lately:

SMART logic begins with the recognition that we swim in paradox. You can love your children and be incredibly frustrated with them at the same time. You can love your job and hate what you have to do today at work. That’s just the nature of reality and the reality of nature. Light is both a wave and a particle.

I found it fitting because I've been thinking a lot lately about the difference between being unhappy with an aspect of life vs being an unhappy person. I know that for much of my life I have acted in a way that I thought was "right" - namely, if I was upset with something, then I had to be upset, period. Don't think that I'm passing any judgement on a right or wrong way to act here- not at all- this is just how I have behaved and reflections on the motivations behind it.

As I've thought about everything that's happened and find myself asking "why?" a lot I had the realization that I can be incredibly unhappy about what has happened over the past year with trying to have a baby but still be a happy person. I don't have to live every day in misery just to somehow show or prove (to myself? the world?) that I want a baby so much that it is all I can think about sometimes. I believe, deep down, that if I can learn to live with that mindset that I will be happier overall. And I'm not saying here that I will never be upset or down- I know that I will be- but I know that there have been and will be hard times and I don't have to let it define me. Maybe I can live with the paradox.

Last night my husband found out from a friend that someone he went to grade school with and is our age (31) has breast cancer. It is definitely a reality check- and makes me feel a little bit silly. What we are going through is hard, but it's not cancer. It's not life or death for us. In the days since my last miscarriage I actually spent some time thinking about the things that we could be going through that would be worse. Kind of a dark activity maybe, and one that I am hesitant to admit, but it did make me feel better in a way.

So- let me wrap up by saying that this blog is primarily a means for me to get some things off my chest. My only hope for it is that if it provides any small bit of comfort or information to someone else going through the same thing then I will be completely happy.