On hold

You know when you're stuck on hold with customer service, for something that you really want to get done, and it's so frustrating that you're stuck waiting?

That's what I feel like the past 2 years have been like. And I know, and acknowledge, that I am a fairly impatient person. My husband reminds me on an almost daily basis, but I just like to see progress, or change, or movement towards something being done.

We were talking last night about my frustration over where we are with things, and I know he tries to be understanding but that it is just not the same for him. For me, I feel like so much of the past 2 years and even looking forward now has been affected by the same train of thoughts, for example when thinking about planning a trip or attending a friends wedding- will i be pregnant? will i be on medicine that will affect what i look like/ can drink/ how i feel? will i have to fit an event in around doctor's appointments? And then more generally, as we talk about our jobs and lives, it's more of thinking, if i change things (i.e. jobs) what would my benefits be like? (i am fortunate that they are very good right now) what kind of maternity leave would i have? (assuming we get to that point) what kind of vacation would i have?

And I feel like it is all just a moving target that is always changing, and with no end in sight. I know that all I can do is to go one step at a time, and make decisions based on the best information I have. But I wish I just knew (or felt like I really had any good idea) of what our timeline would be for getting pregnant, having kids, and all the rest. But, no crystal ball. Just hoping that it will all work out sooner or later.

#4

I know I haven't written in a while- there was a while where I didn't know what to write, but things have sort of settled out. In early December I thought that I wasn't pregnant, and Jacob and I were kind of upset that we had done 2 months of treatment without anything working. And I know, 2 months isn't very long, but whenever we tried getting pregnant on our own previously it was fairly quick.

So, after thinking I wasn't pregnant I started feeling funny and so about a week later took a test and guess what? Pregnant. So. We were excited about it, but at the same time I had a pretty high anxiety level about it. We went in just before new years and got an ultrasound with a heartbeat (yay!) but then went back a week and a half later a no heartbeat. So really, the same thing all over again.

I could tell the Dr was really upset for us; he knows how tough it is to go through a miscarriage, even more so when it is our 4th in under 2 years. Surprisingly, although I was certainly upset by how things turned out I think I really did not ever get close to assuming that things would work out. After having problems 3 times before, it's hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that things would go ok.

Anyways, we are on to the next plan- maximal intervention here- none of us are messing around anymore! Dr things that what we've been seeing is the result of a clotting disorder that we haven't fully diagnosed; I think since we've seen heartbeats in 3 that have then suddenly stopped it points to something happening to arrest the heartbeat. So we're going to do full IVF with genetic screening of the embryos, and then I'll go on a low dose of heparin to try and help with the clotting. And of course, still on the thyroid meds and other vitamins.

We've got a few weeks to wait for healing before we can start all of this, but assuming things go fairly smoothly I hope to be pregnant via IVF by my birthday in early April.

Wish us luck! (and wish my husband luck for dealing with hormonal me!)