Recap

First, thanks to everyone who has sent me kind notes on the blog. It means a lot to me.

I wanted to take a minute to recap the last year and what's been going on since I know I've given just bits and pieces of info so far. (and in case there are any medical experts reading this who want to weigh in with an opinion!)

Jacob and I first got pregnant in June of 2013. We were super excited, but waited until we had an ultrasound with a heartbeat in July to tell many people. We then went back in August for what was supposed to be our 12 week ultrasound, and found that there was no heartbeat. It was definitely a shock to both of us, especially since at the time I didn't even really know what a missed miscarriage was- I always thought that I would know if something had happened. I had a D&C, and then we waited out the next month.

I then got pregnant again in late November, and pretty much repeated the whole cycle- I went in for an additional ultrasound, so we ended up having 2 where we saw a heartbeat, but when we went back for the 12 week there was no heartbeat and I had another D&C.

Then we decided to take a break for a bit, and planned to go on vacation in May. We talked to our doctor about different options, but decided to just ride things out a bit since even with 2 miscarriages it was still most likely to be just chance.

We got pregnant again in June and as soon as we knew I went on supplemental progesterone to see if that would help. This time, we went in the first time at what would have been 8-9 weeks but there was no heartbeat and it looked like the fetus was about 7 weeks. Another D&C....one of the anesthetists at the hospital joked (trying to lighten the mood) that I needed a frequent customer card.

Needless to say, I am no longer a fan of going in for ultrasounds. So, now we test and see what we can find out.

I will keep you posted......

Not what we expect

I find it funny the ways that I'm reminded sometime that we are all dealing with something....and that no one's life is perfect, even if it looks that way from the outside.

I was talking to someone yesterday and we were just chit-chatting about where we lived, pets, etc, and we came around to kids and marriage. She asked if I had kids and I told her no, not yet, and I asked her if she did, she said no but that her mom bugged her about grandkids all the time since she had been married and was now divorced. I knew she looked young (my age or even younger I thought) but then she said "I never expected that at 32 I would be married and divorced". 

All I could think is that it feels like we all deal with things that are unexpected...I know I certainly feel that way. I guess all we can do is try to roll with the punches.

But it truly does remind me that whenever I think someone's life seems "perfect"- job, kids, spouse, whatever- it rarely is. Whether people are dealing with an illness, family issues, things with their kids, there is always something.

Sorry if this has sounded depressing, it's actually meant to be a good thing. For me, it reminds me to try and be kind to people- you never know what they are dealing with.

Thankful for the advice of others

I have a colleague who is going through something similar to Jacob and I, and it has been so nice to have someone to discuss and identify with, where it doesn't feel like I'm bringing up a depressing subject to talk to her in detail about everything. I texted her yesterday as she had one of the tests that I will likely have soon (hysterosalpinogram) which looks to see if the structure of your cervix, uterus, and fallopian tubes all looks "normal". She said it was pretty easy and took 2 minutes- so nice to know that!

She also told me about some genetic testing that she and her husband did using a service called Counsyl. I think it looks promising but will probably wait to see what the specialist says when we go to meet with him Aug 20th before we go ahead with it. But nice to see that it has a max out of pocket cost of $299 for individuals.

I told her about my avoidance of facebook, and she said that she felt the same way- she actually has a number of close family members who are all pregnant, so I said kudos to her that she is staying sane! Because as much as I truly wish all of my friends and relatives well who are pregnant right now I just don't have the ability at the moment to feel super excited for them. I hope that will change with a little more time and distance.

I'm also grateful for people who are in the public eye and open up about their struggles to have kids- I can't imagine how hard that must be. Jaime King and Bobbi Thomas have both recently written/ been interviewed about their struggles with infertility:

http://www.today.com/parents/bobbie-thomas-no-more-whispers-im-doing-ivf-proud-it-1D79856706

http://www.people.com/article/jaime-king-five-miscarriages-infertility-struggle

I certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone, but it does make me feel a little better to see and know that there are others going through it, and also to see that everyone's path is different.

So a true update on where we stand:

- I go Aug 11th to get bloodwork with my regular OB/GYN to test for a whole host of things- clotting disorders, lipid disorders, etc
- Appointment with a renal endocrinologist/ infertility specialist Aug 20th. We chose him in part because he is a Blue Devil (go Duke!) and so when we go we will have the results of my bloodwork and the genetic testing from my last D&C. So I'm hoping we will make a plan of action based on the test results and go from there.....

Q&A

My doctor said something to me yesterday that resonated- I was talking to her about what's gone on the past few months (getting pregnant again, having a miscarriage and d&c again, figuring out where to go from here) and in talking about next steps she said that it's definitely a lot of uncertainty to deal with. And when you stop and think about it, it is kind of crazy how much uncertainty we all deal with every day. A miracle we're all not crazy (crazier?).

My short list of things I don't know, to get it off my chest:

- if Jacob and I will be able to have our own baby

- if there is anything genetically wrong

- if going to a specialist/ doing a bunch of testing will even tell us a cause for the previous miscarriages

- even if they find a likely cause, if the next pregnancy would work out

- if we would have a healthy child if a pregnancy did work out

- if we adopted, if it would be a "normal" (whatever that means), healthy baby

- how long it would take to adopt

- how many more months I may have to be pregnant without having a baby

I guess that's why it's about the journey and finding happiness in each day. Cause I know I don't have answers for that list and there isn't anyone, medical expert or otherwise, who can provide us the answers either.

So we have infertility....

Last week with the 3rd miscarriage we officially qualify as dealing with infertility.

Really, really not where I thought we'd be at 31. And this week I would have been due with the baby from the second pregnancy. I can't even imagine what things would be like if that was the case. It's easy to think that things would be better and wonderful and we wouldn't have had a lot of the problems we've had, but I'm sure things wouldn't have been as easy-peasy as I would like to imagine.

I can't even look at facebook anymore- I feel like everything is people who are pregnant, or friends who are having their first or second baby. Not that it should even matter, but people who got married way after we did. And I feel so isolated- I don't want it to be this way but I feel like even talking to my good friends who are pregnant- I don't want to hear about their pregnancy or babies (I so wish I could identify) even though I care about them and want them to be happy. So just me alone. Even my mom- she says she worries about me then when I talk to her all she cares about is if I've eaten. I mean, that's great and all, but I'm not going to starve to death. She should be more concerned with my mental state and if I'm still bleeding and hurting.

And it feels so depressingly long to think that it could be a year or more until we have a baby- easily. I feel like I need something to focus my energy on besides that, and right now work isn't really cutting it for that either.

We have started looking into adoption- again, not something I ever though even a year ago that we'd be considering. Hard to believe that it hasn't even been a year since our first miscarriage. How different everything was then- it feels like we were so naive and excited and now we're so jaded and disappointed.

I so much hope that we will be able to have kids of our own one day and I want to be pregnant more than anything, but I want to have kids even more than that, and so we're going to look into that as an option at the same time as doing the infertility treatments. I know the experience of actually having the baby would be different, and I'm sure at some level there is a bond that would at least be different through adoption, but I really don't think I would love a baby any less if we chose to adopt it.

Introduction

I like this title because it describes a lot of what is going on in my life as well as the way I aspire to be.

I tend to focus a lot on the end goal, checking things off the list, and can forget that the destinantion is not the main part- 99% is the journey. 

I find that so many times when I "get" the thing that I'm after I find myself saying, "that's it?" I've done it with promotions, shoes that I've lusted after for years, vacations, meals.....you name it. So my resolution is to enjoy the journey more.

It's also a fitting title that at least makes me smile a bit because our dog is named Journey. No, we did not name him for the band (although we like the band) but it is the name he came with from the shelter in Collierville, TN. Also fitting because last summer he went on a 6 week walkabout, only to be found by animal control a few weeks away from starving to death. More on that one later. So- fitting name for many reasons.

I found this section today on a blog that I am subscribed to and found it very fitting for what I have been thinking about lately:

SMART logic begins with the recognition that we swim in paradox. You can love your children and be incredibly frustrated with them at the same time. You can love your job and hate what you have to do today at work. That’s just the nature of reality and the reality of nature. Light is both a wave and a particle.

I found it fitting because I've been thinking a lot lately about the difference between being unhappy with an aspect of life vs being an unhappy person. I know that for much of my life I have acted in a way that I thought was "right" - namely, if I was upset with something, then I had to be upset, period. Don't think that I'm passing any judgement on a right or wrong way to act here- not at all- this is just how I have behaved and reflections on the motivations behind it.

As I've thought about everything that's happened and find myself asking "why?" a lot I had the realization that I can be incredibly unhappy about what has happened over the past year with trying to have a baby but still be a happy person. I don't have to live every day in misery just to somehow show or prove (to myself? the world?) that I want a baby so much that it is all I can think about sometimes. I believe, deep down, that if I can learn to live with that mindset that I will be happier overall. And I'm not saying here that I will never be upset or down- I know that I will be- but I know that there have been and will be hard times and I don't have to let it define me. Maybe I can live with the paradox.

Last night my husband found out from a friend that someone he went to grade school with and is our age (31) has breast cancer. It is definitely a reality check- and makes me feel a little bit silly. What we are going through is hard, but it's not cancer. It's not life or death for us. In the days since my last miscarriage I actually spent some time thinking about the things that we could be going through that would be worse. Kind of a dark activity maybe, and one that I am hesitant to admit, but it did make me feel better in a way.

So- let me wrap up by saying that this blog is primarily a means for me to get some things off my chest. My only hope for it is that if it provides any small bit of comfort or information to someone else going through the same thing then I will be completely happy.