Uncertain Times

I haven't posted in a very long time - over 2 years according to this blog. For anyone actually reading this - hello! - I'll try to not have such an extended absence again.

I am resolving to write more and share more - not to necessarily gain followers or readership but purely to strengthen the muscle myself as writing is something I want to do more of in the future.

So - to jump to today - I have found it really interesting over the past few months to see how people have reacted to COVID and being largely shut in at home, with the added facet of having no idea when or how things will resolve. I have sensed that a lot of people are very uncomfortable with all of the uncertainty, that it makes them frustrated and anxious. It does for me too, to some degree, but I also feel very comfortable with it on a lot of levels having lived with so much uncertainty for so long around fertility. When I step back, the past 7 years have been so affected by what it's taken for Jacob and I to have kids. The tally at this point in time is 5 miscarriages (4 before Owen and 1 after), somewhere around 15 surgeries (I honestly am not sure about the exact number at this point) and what has to be hundreds of dr appointments and ultrasounds. All without any clear picture of what would work or when, or if I would ultimately be able to have kids. This was of course answered by having Owen in 2017, but has continued as I've had additional procedures and an additional pregnancy and we've had to assess how much treatment we want to do to try to have another kid.

All I know is that I am thankful every day that Owen became part of our lives, and I try not to take a second of it for granted. I can already see how quickly it is going by, and even when I'm tired / frustrated with a whining 3 year old I do my best to channel some inner peace and patience and remember overall how lucky I am. Given all of that, I see it as a real silver lining to the current pandemic that it has forced all of us to slow down, spend more time at home, and re-think how we're interacting with the world. Of course, I recognize how lucky I am to even be able to say that, having a relatively stable home and job. 

signing off for now but back soon-

Motherhood Monotony?

So I will say right off the bat- I love my son so much. His adorable little face and smile and giggle can make my whole day better in about a second. And I love when I get to spend the day with him. So I don't mean for this to sound ungrateful or picky but I just want to get it off my chest. There are days (certainly not every day, but here and there) when it feels like all I do is go from making bottles to cleaning bottles to changing a diaper to folding laundry to shopping for more food to starting the list all over again. I really don't know how stay at home moms or single moms or anyone with a bunch of kids does it. I am in awe of those people and feel like they must have figured out a system that as of now I am completely unaware of.

And again, this is not every day, and it also reminds me that I need to get out- I think that sometimes I get lulled into thinking that a "day at home" sounds great and will be so easy, but then I feel like I waste hours of time just bouncing from one little chore to another because they catch my attention and I want to get them done rather than putting them off for later. And don't get me wrong, that is my problem and I know it! And I am not saying poor me by any stretch. We go out on adventures as a family and I get significant time to do things that I like to do, such as yoga. But it is more that I sometimes just want to take a step back and marvel at the day to day with a kid!

If anything, I wanted to write this to just remind myself to pay more attention to the positive than to the parts that can annoy me, and to remind myself that I would trade any amount of washing bottles or folding laundry for having the privilege of watching Owen grow and develop because it has been such an awesome, amazing thing to be a part of.

2018 Resolutions

2017 was a big year for me. Having Owen certainly changed everything, and he brings me so much joy every day. But having him has also given me a lot of reason to reflect on my life, on how am I living and what I value and how I demonstrate those things through my actions.

And so I am not so much making resolutions to dramatically change my behavior as I want to identify things that I want to work to improve and to ideally better demonstrate the things that I value.

- creating more and consuming less - I find it easy to get sucked into the void of apps or the internet, scrolling or clicking through a lot of content. This post is one example of what I want to do more of- use the internet to interact and engage and force myself to be at least as much of a creator as I am a consumer of this information.

- really pursuing the things I enjoy- this sounds pretty self serving right off the bat but I feel that over the past few years between infertility and then being pregnant I got very hesitant about pursuing anything or even letting myself feel that I wanted to pursue anything. I was always right around the corner from being on a bunch of medication, having to have a procedure, or then trying to take care of myself during my pregnancy. And so this year I want to try and rediscover more of my passions. I have been going to a yoga studio that I really like more regularly and I want to continue to do as many classes and workshops as I can.

- Writing- this ties back to the creating concept but is more specific- I always think that I want to write more but I struggle to actually do it. Today while cleaning up I saw some of the books that I wrote in elementary school- it really struck a nerve that writing is something that I've always been drawn to and so I really do want to commit to doing more of it this year, not with any specific goal in mind but just to enjoy the process and see where it leads me.

So. There are my resolutions. I have no doubt that I will probably fail at these but I'd like to at least try my best and see where it leads me.

Here's to a great 2018!

Back again?

I've been putting off writing this post for a long time and I'm not sure why. I know when I was going through my miscarriages and fertility treatments and looking at other blogs it seemed like all of them reached this point where they got to the "other side" with a baby. And I remember thinking that I wasn't sure I would ever get there.

But now I am there. Baby Owen turns 6 months old this week, which is SO hard to believe. He is a wonderful, happy baby who is just so full of life. He has such a mellow personality, and is generally so easygoing, that I was thinking recently that maybe he was the one we had to wait for. It makes me feel better about things although I still feel like all we went through to get to having him is still right under the surface emotionally. I especially felt that way right after having Owen- I had a lot of anxiety over feeling like something was going to go wrong at any moment and that life with him was still so fragile.

I also feel like any time I hear about a friend or acquaintance who is struggling to get pregnant my heart breaks for them because it is such a hard thing to go through. 

That's it for now. Hopefully more to come as I'd really like to get back to writing more.

3 years

It's been nearly 3 years since I was pregnant for the first time. Crazy. It has probably been the most difficult period of my life so far. I know on the scale of bad things that can happen it is far from the worst, but there has been a lot of heartbreak in the past few years.

At this point I feel that most of the time I have a decent perspective on things, thanks in large part to both supportive family and friends and a good therapist. But there are still plenty of times that I am really down on things, and just try to remember that at some point in the future it won't seem as bad. I had one of those patches recently when I learned that another one of our friends in Richmond was pregnant. I think it would take me at least both hands to count up the number of friends who have not been thinking about having kids, then gotten pregnant and had a baby, all in the time that Jacob and I have been trying to just get and stay pregnant. It makes me feel like everyone is just passing us by while we're stuck in the same shitty spot. 

But. I try to just get on with things and hope that in a few days I wake up and don't feel like my world has a black cloud over it. 

To write or not to write?

I haven't posted in a while. I've had a lot going on (more about that in a second) but also was feeling kind of burned out on all things infertility related. 

So, in the past few months I got a new job across the country, we sold our house, husband got a new job, packed up house, moved into new place, and now are almost settled- but it's been crazy. The good news of it on the fertility front is that I'm now seeing a world-class expert at UCSF, in a center that is worlds better than the office I had been going to- they actually answer their phone! And respond to questions!

But, on the not so good front I feel like I'm in Groundhog Day as far as treatment goes- once again my lining didn't look good, had a hysteroscopy that hopefully took care of some scarring and other damage, and am now on a "mock cycle" to see if I respond to the drugs for an embryo implantation cycle. When we did this last summer I didn't respond, so here's hoping this time is better but I'm not going to hold my breath. 

Heal already!

Went to Dr earlier in the week. Have more scarring (?!) after all the efforts to prevent, but he thought he was able to break it up (which did NOT feel good) but now I wait 4-5 weeks and go in to do the same thing. 

It was so nice to not go in for any tests or poking or prodding for a while and I just can't help but feel like we're still in the 1 step forward and 3 steps back mode. I'm pretty sure that things with my lining were fine when we first started going to see him about a year ago, so not sure if it's been just the cumulative effects or procedures he has done that have had such a negative effect.

Oh well. Wait and see some more, trying to keep busy in the meantime!