T Ball

 Yesterday Charlie was out back practicing his "baseball swing" which mostly entails him holding a fake bat, swinging and spinning himself in a 360, then running the bases in a circle - pretty entertaining. I asked Owen if he would go and cheer for Charlie next spring if he plays t-ball, and he immediately said yes, then said, "but mom, I don't want us to have to split up, like you take Charlie to a game and Dad takes me to a game". I said, "ok, so you'd rather that we all try to go together?" and he said "yes, I want us to all go together". 

Granted, the same kid later in the evening kicked some of his brother's cars out of the way and refused to give him a good night hug, but his tender little heart makes mine happy.

No shirts to wear

 Owen was really frustrated this morning - he had a "free dress" pass for school - he typically wears a uniform- and while you think that would make things easier he had a really hard time figuring out what he wanted to wear. The kid usually wears shorts and a tshirt any chance he gets but today is a little cooler and he had decided he wanted a long sleeved shirt. Then he decided that his 2 long sleeved shirts that he normally likes were "jackets" not shirts. Then he was upset that he wanted a shirt with a sports team, and all of those are short sleeved shirts. You can see where this is going - he was one big mess of frustration and anger over not liking his choices.

After dropping him at school (wearing a short sleeved shirt under one of the sub-optimal long sleeved shirts) I realized that his frustrations are the exact same as what I've been feeling related to my current job situation. I was laid off from the startup I was with in the fall, and since then have been doing some part time work and trying to figure out what else it is that I most want to do. Part of me doesn't want to do the startup thing anymore, because of the volatility and craziness it entails. I also don't want "big" company - too much beauracracy and BS work and not enough impact. I'm not a pure digital marketer. I'm not a technical data analyst. I haven't had a C-level title. It can feel a lot of the time like I don't have the "right" skills and knowledge, and then I can start to doubt myself about the experience I do have.

But when I get over that, like Owen finally did this morning, I'm left with the options in front of me, there are no magical unicorn options to be had that are exactly the perfect gig I want. The best thing I can do is remind myself that my experience is valuable, and to keep going - to set up more networking calls, look for industry events that I can attend, and also put my head down and do some work on the part time gig that I do have. Keep going, and take action.

All the birthday celebrations

 We had Owen's birthday party with school friends this past weekend and it was really nice to see all of the boys all together having fun playing some games. They are really a good group of kids and it's interesting to see them mature; while we were playing all the games there were some still hesitant to go play, although less than in previous years, and of course there were a few instances of tears but again, less than previously. It's definitely funny to watch their dynamics because it seems like they each have a few others that they pay attention to and other than those few kids they really don't pay any attention to what is going on. Owen didn't even realize afterwards everyone who had been at the party, which I guess is my signal that I should have made him at minimum say hello and goodbye to everyone who attended. They kind of get like squirrels in a big exciting environment, running around and not really paying attention to what is going on around them. 

As always though, fun to watch them grow and change and so hard to believe that we have a big seven year old kid, I know it will be a blink of an eye and he'll be eight.

7?!

 Owen turned 7 yesterday. It seems like it has simultaneously been the blink of an eye and a lifetime since I was pregnant with him, so excited but nervous about what was to come after all of the miscarriages.

I can't imagine not knowing this kid. He just melts my heart with his kindness and intelligence and curiosity about the world. It's been a joy to watch him grow up and see how he has gone through starting school, playing more sports, and learning more about the wider world. If nothing else my aim is to give him a rock solid base of knowing that he is loved exactly how he is and the encouragement to go explore the world. And along the way to be kind and loving to others. That's it. 

We have had a few birthday celebrations so far, brought chocolate chip cookies into his school on Friday, then on his actual birthday on Sunday we had a family dinner (he got to pick the menu - cheeseburgers and ice cream sundaes!) and then we're having a party for the boys in his class on Saturday. Watching as the class sang happy birthday to him on Friday I could see so much of myself in him, as it was clear he wasn't the most comfortable standing up in front of everyone but at the same time felt special being up there. It's always the conflict right, that I want him to be his own person but at the same time I want to encourage him to do things differently than I did - ideally to be bolder and less nervous around crowds and to own the experience of being in front and to enjoy it.

Kid was so excited for his sundae that he went and got the candles out of the drawer himself so that we could get on with singing and get to the ice cream eating :) He is so great and I can't wait to see what the next year holds.

Slogging through to the end!

 Ran the marathon on Saturday - it was a crazy adventure. There was a huge rainstorm on Friday night which made the trail incredibly muddy - I felt like I was on one of the silly game shows like floor is lava because the mud was really just comical in how much of it there was and trying to run through it. People around me were slipping and sliding and nearly getting shoes sucked off and just getting ankle deep in mud left and right. At some point you just had to laugh because what else were you going to do?!

And then there were the stream crossings - I knew they said there would be 1-2 of them with the water being high after the storm, but there were probably 8-10 of them in total, one where I stepped in and the water was up over knee high.....needless to say my feet were soaked for 6+ hours which looked pretty knarly when I finally got my shoes and socks off.

Nonetheless, it was a ton of fun. I was nervous at the start but mostly similar to how I start out my long runs, but I felt good getting going and the first uphill I was pretty squarely in the middle of the pack where it was mostly walking uphill, which was good for getting warm. Once we got all the way up that first stretch was when the mud really hit, and then people were just going at various speeds trying to keep on their feet. The first 7-8 miles passed pretty quickly and I was happy with my pace, but then from there to mile 13 it felt like such a repetitive cycle of climbing up just to go back down to lake level and just slogging through. I think that was the hardest stretch for me up to the 13 miles, just knowing that I still had more than half to go. Once I got to that aid station at mile 13 I got some food and spent a few minutes stretching which was nice. Then set off again, and reached miles 15/16 pretty quickly - once I got to mile 15 I had in my mind that I had 10 to go, and I can grind through 10 on a bad day. My legs were starting to feel heavy at that point, and I had the idea to pop some of the advil I had in my pack - this made a huge difference taking the edge of for the next stretch.

There were 3-4 miles that were pretty nice, a bit more open meadow than the lakeside trail had been and a welcome change of pace. But I knew that the huge hill at mile 21 was coming, and just braced myself to keep going, even at a slow pace to make it up that thing. I somewhat mistakenly thought that after the big final hill it was mostly downhill, only to get the rude awakening that there were still some uphill stretches along with the most technical and rocky section of trail to go. That mile 23-25 stretch was tough. Legs were done, then got out of the trail to run some along the road with it raining, cold, and the wind blowing in my face. I was so ready to be done.

But, all in all I feel like I didn't have any super low moments during the race, I had times where I was tired but it felt like it would on a training run. And the extra 5 miles didn't seem so bad, I was tired at the end but certainly didn't feel terrible. And I did my usual protein shake, got a post race pizza which was delicious, and then went back to the hotel to rest and hydrate before dinner.

I told Jacob that I was amazed that only in early February I had run the half and really couldn't imagine doing double that mileage for a race, it's a little mind boggling to me to see how far I came being comfortable with long (over 13 miles) distances in just over 2 months of training.

Honestly, I loved doing the training and the race. I have a feeling there will be quite a few more to come!

Hola!

 Just returned from spring break. It was to some degree a “trip” with kids but also had some vacation elements as well as Jacob and I got out ourselves a bit.

Owen loved boogie boarding, we’ve reached the stage where he’s like a little fish and has to be convinced to come take a break after a few hours to get anything to eat or drink. And Charlie is just a party man, vacation suits him and can be summed up by the photo of him on the pool lounge with his arms behind his head looking totally at ease while he’s completely naked!

Probably the hardest part of traveling with him was the return flight where he decided to throw a tantrum and rolled around in the galley to the horrified looks of the flight attendants and managed to bang his head several times. But, otherwise he was really helpful overall and even rolled his own suitcase through the airport which was very cute.

But it was really a treat to spend the time with both boys; Owen even came to hear a singer at the bar next door to our house on the last night, his first bar concert experience. Overall it’s so much fun to be with them as they have these new experiences.

Go for it!

 I was thinking last night that I want to remember as my kids get older to balance any cautionary advice with encouragement to pursue big, challenging goals. 

As I’ve told more people about running the marathon I have gotten a lot of “be careful, don’t hurt yourself” and while I know that comes from a good place I also think that most of the people saying it also know that I won’t do anything to put my health in jeopardy. I’d love to also hear some “go for it!” thrown in there too. I imagine that some of the caution stems from me being a woman and a mom and there is at some level an expectation or idea that I shouldn’t be pursuing hard physical challenges. 

I can handle the comments, but I do want to find a way to remind myself to encourage the boys to stay safe but also to push their limits because that is where some amazing growth and perspective happens.