On to round 2

It's been a tough week. I debated writing this post because it feels like a downer, but in the spirit of being honest on the blog here it is. So last week on the same day I found out that I was not pregnant and met my first niece, born about 2 weeks ago now. She is adorable and precious and I could not be happier for my sister in law and her husband, but it was definitely bittersweet and combined with a few other things out me into a funk for a few days (maybe still?). Again, I do NOT have any hard feelings towards my sis in law and her family, but just really made it hit home that I want so much for that to be me and my husband with the adorable little baby. Then last night I went to dinner with a few girls, 1 of whom is a few months pregnant and 2 who announced to the group last night that they were pregnant....talk about wanting to stick forks in my eyes! And they're not people I'm really close with, so except for one person don't know about my situation right now. And I'm happy for all of them, really, but I guess it's just where I am right now in life that it feels like absolutely everyone is pregnant and having babies. One of the girls even said "everyone is pregnant right now" and it's like...no.....I'm not....but wish I was. So, I got in the car and cried on the way home.....and then was mad at myself for crying because it's really nothing new.....but all I can do is wake up and try again today.

As for Dr update, we are doing the same regimen as last month which means I should know a bit before Christmas if I'm pregnant. If I'm not, we're most likely going to go ahead and do ivf for the next round.

Would it have been mean.....

I went back to the Dr office yesterday, I'm not sure really what for since all he told me was that I ovulated, which was fairly obvious since I had taken a shot a week prior to make me ovulate. Thanks captain obvious.

Anyways, I then got an hcg "booster" shot in case I am pregnant, and also as a mean trick to make me have to wait a full 2 weeks from the shot to take a pregnancy test, even though I would otherwise have been able to test 4-5 days sooner. So the nurse, after giving me the shot (in my ass, which ended up being so much more sore than the shots in my thighs or stomach, surprisingly) then says "this is the hardest part to wait". At the time, I was slightly annoyed and replied "yes, but at least I'll be busy" but in hindsight, when I am always much more clever, what i wish I had said was "no, the hardest part is waiting out the first trimester to see if I have another miscarriage". What do you think- would that have been too mean? But really, I feel like these nurses have no idea what my history is sometimes. I can see that for someone going to this doctor because they haven't been able to get pregnant than yes, it would be exciting and tough to wait to see if you're knocked up. But I've been there, done that three times now. While it will be exciting if it happens, I won't have any kind of sense of relief or reassurance just from getting a positive pregnancy test. I guess all I'd ask is that they out some kind of summary sheet on my chart, just a few lines that people can glance at before they treat me that says, in big letters, HAS HAD 3 MISCARRIAGES. Then at least we would all be on the same page.

Oh, and I'm not actually angry about this now, I'm case that's what it sounded like!

Pins and Needles

So we are ready to try, try again- I have done 5 days of femara followed by 3 days of follistim injections, with the hope of having multiple eggs that can be released this cycle. We went in today and found out I have 2 "ripe" eggs- since we started out conservative on the drugs for this round I think that it's probably good, and about what we could have expected.

So I'll do my trigger shot on Thursday and then go back next week....so countdown of about 2 weeks to see if i get pregnant.

The injections were not really bad to do, but I was surprised by how nervous in was to do it each time. And, for the record, 2 out of 3 airport screening locations did not question the needles/ ice packs at all. I'm not sure if that makes me feel like they are reasonable, or incompetent....

Also in the meantime I did my first acupuncture session last week, I found it to be fairly relaxing and enjoyable and while not totally sold on it's healing powers figure I'll give it a shot for a bit. He told me that if/ when I get pregnant we would do more "intensive" sessions in the first trimester- not exactly sure what that means so stay tuned!

Update 10.16.14- Damn Bees!

It has been a long time since I have written! I think I partly needed a break from writing, partly got busy, and was also somewhat frustrated in how I was feeling the past few weeks.

So for the summary:

- went back to Shah for my post op session where we were given options to do either full blown IVF, controlled ovulation (chance to fertilize multiple eggs on one cycle) or of course do nothing (always an option).

- decided to do IVF with the preimplantation embryo screening......then changed our minds right before my appointment this past monday, the 13th. So we are going to do the controlled ovulation. Right now I am not on anything really special, I am a few weeks in on my thyroid medication and also taking prenatal vitamins and selenium, and will shortly be starting Co-Q 10 and then on sunday Femara, followed by follicule stimulation injections. We will go back to the Drs office on the 28th to see how many follicles (eggs) have developed and whether to go forward with an ovulation trigger shot.

- in the meantime I had a bad allergic reaction to a bee sting (which I got just sitting in my backyard) and for the past week had gotten 2 epinepherine injections, was on prednisone for 7 days, and am finishing off a 10 day regimen of antibiotics (just to be on the safe side).....WHEW

I feel like my body hardly knows what I am throwing at it anymore.....and in between that, throw in travel for work, not always sleeping well (or not sleeping at all for several nights with prednisone) and I almost feel like I need a few weeks of some sort of healthy living cleanse to get a clean slate. Either that, or a full regimen of fertility drugs!

In the meantime, the Dr also said he wants me to go to a guy he partners with on acupuncture/ herbal supplements, so I start that next week. Have I said that I feel fortunate not only to have a job with a schedule flexible enough for me to make all these appts, but with good health insurance? Well if I haven't, then I am....and am reminded every time that I go to an appt that for some people it is much, much harder.

All for now-

Flip a Coin?

Went back to the Dr again Thursday for my post-op and to discuss what we're going to do. Here's the recap:

- TPO (thyroid antibodies)- still significantly elevated in latest blood work, so we will treat with synthroid starting now so I can get used to the medication
- anticardiolipids- borderline elevated. Will definitely treat with at least baby aspirin, and he will make a call about using the other meds once I get pregnant

So here's our choice:

- do IVF, where we could also do genetic screening and get as close as possible to "ensuring" that things will go ok, considering that we can never make anything absolutely 100%

- do a less invasive version of controlled egg release, where we would essentially try to play a numbers game and have 2 or 3 embryos develop in one cycle, assuming that if 1-2 of them have genetic issues that we would get 1 that comes out ok

We are seriously leaning towards the IVF for this round. We are very fortunate that my employer will pay a large portion of the costs for it for a round so figure we don't have too much to lose in trying.

We do have a debate underway though and I asked Jacob what he thought about just flipping a coin to decide :)

Coexistence

I've been thinking a lot lately about how I can have different emotions about a particular subject coexist, even if they are seemingly in complete conflict with each other. For instance, I recently learned that a good friend is newly pregnant. One part of me wants to feel so happy for her, while another part is jealous and wishes that I could just get pregnant and have things be easy. But this morning I thought, why not just be both? I feel like I put pressure on myself to feel just one way or consistent, when in reality, who says I can't be both? In an ideal world, sure, I'd just be happy for her and that would be it. But it's not how things are, so why not just accept that and go on. I feel like mentally I have a hard time thinking that that is "ok" but hopefully it will get easier over time.

On the update front, my repeat blood work came back with essentially the same thing as before, elevated TPO and borderline elevated anticardiolipids, so we'll discuss treating both with the doc next week when we go in. I'm feeling a bit more settled in our decision about IVF but am still hoping that once we really start it I will feel more at peace with deciding to do it.

Procedure updates

Went in yesterday for my hysteroscopy, which was a relatively short procedure. But I hope I don't have to sit around a hospital again for a while!! For someone who was never seriously ill before, 4 surgeries in just over a year feels like a lot. And maybe I'm a wuss, but getting the IV is about the worst part. This time it took 5 tries for them to get mine started....ouch.

Anyways, yesterday the doc found that there was some tissue left from my last pregnancy, which he then cleaned up so hopefully I have a clean slate going forward.

We will go back in 2 weeks for a post-op and also to plan moving forward- I think we are mostly decided on doing IVF. Unlike people who use it because they have trouble getting pregnant we would do it primarily for the genetic embryo screening. I have struggled a lot with whether or not to do it; do we go the very invasive route, or just try again naturally and see what happens?

The only thing I keep coming back to is that going into the third pregnancy I decided that the third time was going to be it- after that I wanted to do anything we possibly could to test, fix, and take every chance to have a healthy pregnancy and baby.