On hold

You know when you're stuck on hold with customer service, for something that you really want to get done, and it's so frustrating that you're stuck waiting?

That's what I feel like the past 2 years have been like. And I know, and acknowledge, that I am a fairly impatient person. My husband reminds me on an almost daily basis, but I just like to see progress, or change, or movement towards something being done.

We were talking last night about my frustration over where we are with things, and I know he tries to be understanding but that it is just not the same for him. For me, I feel like so much of the past 2 years and even looking forward now has been affected by the same train of thoughts, for example when thinking about planning a trip or attending a friends wedding- will i be pregnant? will i be on medicine that will affect what i look like/ can drink/ how i feel? will i have to fit an event in around doctor's appointments? And then more generally, as we talk about our jobs and lives, it's more of thinking, if i change things (i.e. jobs) what would my benefits be like? (i am fortunate that they are very good right now) what kind of maternity leave would i have? (assuming we get to that point) what kind of vacation would i have?

And I feel like it is all just a moving target that is always changing, and with no end in sight. I know that all I can do is to go one step at a time, and make decisions based on the best information I have. But I wish I just knew (or felt like I really had any good idea) of what our timeline would be for getting pregnant, having kids, and all the rest. But, no crystal ball. Just hoping that it will all work out sooner or later.

#4

I know I haven't written in a while- there was a while where I didn't know what to write, but things have sort of settled out. In early December I thought that I wasn't pregnant, and Jacob and I were kind of upset that we had done 2 months of treatment without anything working. And I know, 2 months isn't very long, but whenever we tried getting pregnant on our own previously it was fairly quick.

So, after thinking I wasn't pregnant I started feeling funny and so about a week later took a test and guess what? Pregnant. So. We were excited about it, but at the same time I had a pretty high anxiety level about it. We went in just before new years and got an ultrasound with a heartbeat (yay!) but then went back a week and a half later a no heartbeat. So really, the same thing all over again.

I could tell the Dr was really upset for us; he knows how tough it is to go through a miscarriage, even more so when it is our 4th in under 2 years. Surprisingly, although I was certainly upset by how things turned out I think I really did not ever get close to assuming that things would work out. After having problems 3 times before, it's hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that things would go ok.

Anyways, we are on to the next plan- maximal intervention here- none of us are messing around anymore! Dr things that what we've been seeing is the result of a clotting disorder that we haven't fully diagnosed; I think since we've seen heartbeats in 3 that have then suddenly stopped it points to something happening to arrest the heartbeat. So we're going to do full IVF with genetic screening of the embryos, and then I'll go on a low dose of heparin to try and help with the clotting. And of course, still on the thyroid meds and other vitamins.

We've got a few weeks to wait for healing before we can start all of this, but assuming things go fairly smoothly I hope to be pregnant via IVF by my birthday in early April.

Wish us luck! (and wish my husband luck for dealing with hormonal me!)

Boarding Planes

after the last post I thought I'd go for a little lighter note.

So I travel a lot, and I'm fortunate to frequently get upgraded to first class. And it never ceases to amaze me when I'm boarding a plane that old, white guys (and I say that because they make up most of first class) seem to never even have a thought that someone who a) is young (and by that I mean generally under 40) and b) not a man, could possibly be boarding in first class with them. On many occasions I have been elbowed out of the way by these guys hurrying to board (what's thr hurry anyway? To sit there longer?) since I could definitely not be boarding with them.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is don't make assumptions! (And, it's not worth pushing people around to board a plane earlier. Really.)

On to round 2

It's been a tough week. I debated writing this post because it feels like a downer, but in the spirit of being honest on the blog here it is. So last week on the same day I found out that I was not pregnant and met my first niece, born about 2 weeks ago now. She is adorable and precious and I could not be happier for my sister in law and her husband, but it was definitely bittersweet and combined with a few other things out me into a funk for a few days (maybe still?). Again, I do NOT have any hard feelings towards my sis in law and her family, but just really made it hit home that I want so much for that to be me and my husband with the adorable little baby. Then last night I went to dinner with a few girls, 1 of whom is a few months pregnant and 2 who announced to the group last night that they were pregnant....talk about wanting to stick forks in my eyes! And they're not people I'm really close with, so except for one person don't know about my situation right now. And I'm happy for all of them, really, but I guess it's just where I am right now in life that it feels like absolutely everyone is pregnant and having babies. One of the girls even said "everyone is pregnant right now" and it's like...no.....I'm not....but wish I was. So, I got in the car and cried on the way home.....and then was mad at myself for crying because it's really nothing new.....but all I can do is wake up and try again today.

As for Dr update, we are doing the same regimen as last month which means I should know a bit before Christmas if I'm pregnant. If I'm not, we're most likely going to go ahead and do ivf for the next round.

Would it have been mean.....

I went back to the Dr office yesterday, I'm not sure really what for since all he told me was that I ovulated, which was fairly obvious since I had taken a shot a week prior to make me ovulate. Thanks captain obvious.

Anyways, I then got an hcg "booster" shot in case I am pregnant, and also as a mean trick to make me have to wait a full 2 weeks from the shot to take a pregnancy test, even though I would otherwise have been able to test 4-5 days sooner. So the nurse, after giving me the shot (in my ass, which ended up being so much more sore than the shots in my thighs or stomach, surprisingly) then says "this is the hardest part to wait". At the time, I was slightly annoyed and replied "yes, but at least I'll be busy" but in hindsight, when I am always much more clever, what i wish I had said was "no, the hardest part is waiting out the first trimester to see if I have another miscarriage". What do you think- would that have been too mean? But really, I feel like these nurses have no idea what my history is sometimes. I can see that for someone going to this doctor because they haven't been able to get pregnant than yes, it would be exciting and tough to wait to see if you're knocked up. But I've been there, done that three times now. While it will be exciting if it happens, I won't have any kind of sense of relief or reassurance just from getting a positive pregnancy test. I guess all I'd ask is that they out some kind of summary sheet on my chart, just a few lines that people can glance at before they treat me that says, in big letters, HAS HAD 3 MISCARRIAGES. Then at least we would all be on the same page.

Oh, and I'm not actually angry about this now, I'm case that's what it sounded like!

Pins and Needles

So we are ready to try, try again- I have done 5 days of femara followed by 3 days of follistim injections, with the hope of having multiple eggs that can be released this cycle. We went in today and found out I have 2 "ripe" eggs- since we started out conservative on the drugs for this round I think that it's probably good, and about what we could have expected.

So I'll do my trigger shot on Thursday and then go back next week....so countdown of about 2 weeks to see if i get pregnant.

The injections were not really bad to do, but I was surprised by how nervous in was to do it each time. And, for the record, 2 out of 3 airport screening locations did not question the needles/ ice packs at all. I'm not sure if that makes me feel like they are reasonable, or incompetent....

Also in the meantime I did my first acupuncture session last week, I found it to be fairly relaxing and enjoyable and while not totally sold on it's healing powers figure I'll give it a shot for a bit. He told me that if/ when I get pregnant we would do more "intensive" sessions in the first trimester- not exactly sure what that means so stay tuned!

Update 10.16.14- Damn Bees!

It has been a long time since I have written! I think I partly needed a break from writing, partly got busy, and was also somewhat frustrated in how I was feeling the past few weeks.

So for the summary:

- went back to Shah for my post op session where we were given options to do either full blown IVF, controlled ovulation (chance to fertilize multiple eggs on one cycle) or of course do nothing (always an option).

- decided to do IVF with the preimplantation embryo screening......then changed our minds right before my appointment this past monday, the 13th. So we are going to do the controlled ovulation. Right now I am not on anything really special, I am a few weeks in on my thyroid medication and also taking prenatal vitamins and selenium, and will shortly be starting Co-Q 10 and then on sunday Femara, followed by follicule stimulation injections. We will go back to the Drs office on the 28th to see how many follicles (eggs) have developed and whether to go forward with an ovulation trigger shot.

- in the meantime I had a bad allergic reaction to a bee sting (which I got just sitting in my backyard) and for the past week had gotten 2 epinepherine injections, was on prednisone for 7 days, and am finishing off a 10 day regimen of antibiotics (just to be on the safe side).....WHEW

I feel like my body hardly knows what I am throwing at it anymore.....and in between that, throw in travel for work, not always sleeping well (or not sleeping at all for several nights with prednisone) and I almost feel like I need a few weeks of some sort of healthy living cleanse to get a clean slate. Either that, or a full regimen of fertility drugs!

In the meantime, the Dr also said he wants me to go to a guy he partners with on acupuncture/ herbal supplements, so I start that next week. Have I said that I feel fortunate not only to have a job with a schedule flexible enough for me to make all these appts, but with good health insurance? Well if I haven't, then I am....and am reminded every time that I go to an appt that for some people it is much, much harder.

All for now-