Here we go.....

On Monday I got the all-clear to start my IVF cycle. I am.....terrified. I had been feeling very apprehensive about things for the past few weeks, and kept trying to figure out why I felt that way. Then I realized that I was just scared, for several reasons. First, I feel like it's a big investment, of both money and time and everything physically that goes into it. Second, in a way I feel like it's our "last shot" in a way, because we have been holding IVF out as sort of our last resort for interventions that can lead to us having our own, biological child. Now, I know that's an over simplification of things because there is certainly a chance that we will end up having another kid naturally in the future. But it's still scary. Because after this, our options become things like surrogates and adoption- and while those are fine options, it would certainly be a mental adjustment from having our own kid.

So, we'll see what happens. I had been on the fence about whether IVF was really the right thing for us to do when I went to the Dr on Monday, but he walked me through an example of a couple he's worked with that similar to us had had several miscarriages, tested normally on genetics themselves, but then when they did IVF ended up with one normally genetic embryo out of nine. That convinced me that IVF is the right path for us, because 1/9 or 1/10 is not great odds to face on our own. So I have my fingers crossed that we end up with more than that, because I would be so nervous about 1) getting pregnant and 2) staying pregnant if that were the case for us. 

Let the shots begin!

Second Opinion??

I have to write a little more about this because it has kind of blown my mind. I wrote in the last post about how Jacob and I had gone to get a second opinion, but the more I have thought about it it's amazing to me how different two opinions can be, with doctors who are both extremely confident about what they do.

When we went through everything 2 weeks ago we had the one surgeon who was completely convinced that I needed a hysteroscopy to clean up from my last D&C, and then my "old" doctor who advised me that he thought the risks involved in having surgery made it a bad decision. In the end, I didn't have surgery, did some other things with my original doctor minimally invasively, and things worked out. That's not to say that things may not have worked out if I had had the surgery; but just scary to think that I could have risked complications at worst or at best had the expense and physical invasiveness of going through another surgery that I didn't really need.

It makes me a little crazy to think that I need to question a lot of what is said but that's hard! And I try to remind myself that if I were dealing with a "serious" health issue things would be different, and I'm fortunate that I'm not, but still adds to the stress and sometimes frustration of the whole thing.

Rollercoaster

Dear friends,

I know it has been a while since my last post. Partly because I didn't have much to report, up until a few days ago.....

This last week has been a bit of a whirlwind for us with doctor-related activity. Last Thursday we went to see another specialist for a second opinion and also to see if their office seemed to provide a more positive environment. We ended up meeting with the Dr for about 2 hours, reviewing treatment options and talking about future treatment. There wasn't too much brand new news, which I guess is a good thing, other than that he did an ultrasound and found what he thought was tissue retained from my last D&C. And suggested....more surgery. That hit me kind of hard, because it was pretty unexpected. And I just hate the idea of doing more surgery that results in more surgery and so on. Feels like an endless loop sometimes.

Needless to say, the next 3 days were a flurry of phone calls between new doc and old doc to figure out what we were going to do. I ended up with surgery scheduled for today (Wednesday) and then ended up cancelling it yesterday after old doc called me on Monday and we talked for quite a while about risks of surgery (scarring, etc) and what our other options were. All complicated by the fact that I was out of town Monday- Tuesday and Jacob and I are leaving the country Friday for vacation. No big deal :)

Here's where we are now: 

- trying to use misoprostol to see if any retained tissue will come out, and also going to get another HCG level to see if it is still coming down (last one was 230, high for 5 weeks post D&C)

- regardless of what happens, we will start the stim process for IVF once we are back from vacation. Even if the misoprostol doesn't work, we will have time to sort that side of things out separate from doing egg retreival. We are basically just really antsy to get the show on the road at this point.

- worst case, I end up still having to have a hysteroscopy in March. (hopefully not, but we'll see)

Whew. In the meantime we are trying to schedule time to visit family and friends, go to weddings this spring and summer, and everything else.....good problems to have for sure, but it gives me a good deal of anxiety to know we have all of these plans and somewhere along the way I will be a crazy hormonal mess for a few weeks. 

That's all for now-

On hold

You know when you're stuck on hold with customer service, for something that you really want to get done, and it's so frustrating that you're stuck waiting?

That's what I feel like the past 2 years have been like. And I know, and acknowledge, that I am a fairly impatient person. My husband reminds me on an almost daily basis, but I just like to see progress, or change, or movement towards something being done.

We were talking last night about my frustration over where we are with things, and I know he tries to be understanding but that it is just not the same for him. For me, I feel like so much of the past 2 years and even looking forward now has been affected by the same train of thoughts, for example when thinking about planning a trip or attending a friends wedding- will i be pregnant? will i be on medicine that will affect what i look like/ can drink/ how i feel? will i have to fit an event in around doctor's appointments? And then more generally, as we talk about our jobs and lives, it's more of thinking, if i change things (i.e. jobs) what would my benefits be like? (i am fortunate that they are very good right now) what kind of maternity leave would i have? (assuming we get to that point) what kind of vacation would i have?

And I feel like it is all just a moving target that is always changing, and with no end in sight. I know that all I can do is to go one step at a time, and make decisions based on the best information I have. But I wish I just knew (or felt like I really had any good idea) of what our timeline would be for getting pregnant, having kids, and all the rest. But, no crystal ball. Just hoping that it will all work out sooner or later.

#4

I know I haven't written in a while- there was a while where I didn't know what to write, but things have sort of settled out. In early December I thought that I wasn't pregnant, and Jacob and I were kind of upset that we had done 2 months of treatment without anything working. And I know, 2 months isn't very long, but whenever we tried getting pregnant on our own previously it was fairly quick.

So, after thinking I wasn't pregnant I started feeling funny and so about a week later took a test and guess what? Pregnant. So. We were excited about it, but at the same time I had a pretty high anxiety level about it. We went in just before new years and got an ultrasound with a heartbeat (yay!) but then went back a week and a half later a no heartbeat. So really, the same thing all over again.

I could tell the Dr was really upset for us; he knows how tough it is to go through a miscarriage, even more so when it is our 4th in under 2 years. Surprisingly, although I was certainly upset by how things turned out I think I really did not ever get close to assuming that things would work out. After having problems 3 times before, it's hard for me to wrap my mind around the idea that things would go ok.

Anyways, we are on to the next plan- maximal intervention here- none of us are messing around anymore! Dr things that what we've been seeing is the result of a clotting disorder that we haven't fully diagnosed; I think since we've seen heartbeats in 3 that have then suddenly stopped it points to something happening to arrest the heartbeat. So we're going to do full IVF with genetic screening of the embryos, and then I'll go on a low dose of heparin to try and help with the clotting. And of course, still on the thyroid meds and other vitamins.

We've got a few weeks to wait for healing before we can start all of this, but assuming things go fairly smoothly I hope to be pregnant via IVF by my birthday in early April.

Wish us luck! (and wish my husband luck for dealing with hormonal me!)

Boarding Planes

after the last post I thought I'd go for a little lighter note.

So I travel a lot, and I'm fortunate to frequently get upgraded to first class. And it never ceases to amaze me when I'm boarding a plane that old, white guys (and I say that because they make up most of first class) seem to never even have a thought that someone who a) is young (and by that I mean generally under 40) and b) not a man, could possibly be boarding in first class with them. On many occasions I have been elbowed out of the way by these guys hurrying to board (what's thr hurry anyway? To sit there longer?) since I could definitely not be boarding with them.

I guess the point I'm trying to make is don't make assumptions! (And, it's not worth pushing people around to board a plane earlier. Really.)

On to round 2

It's been a tough week. I debated writing this post because it feels like a downer, but in the spirit of being honest on the blog here it is. So last week on the same day I found out that I was not pregnant and met my first niece, born about 2 weeks ago now. She is adorable and precious and I could not be happier for my sister in law and her husband, but it was definitely bittersweet and combined with a few other things out me into a funk for a few days (maybe still?). Again, I do NOT have any hard feelings towards my sis in law and her family, but just really made it hit home that I want so much for that to be me and my husband with the adorable little baby. Then last night I went to dinner with a few girls, 1 of whom is a few months pregnant and 2 who announced to the group last night that they were pregnant....talk about wanting to stick forks in my eyes! And they're not people I'm really close with, so except for one person don't know about my situation right now. And I'm happy for all of them, really, but I guess it's just where I am right now in life that it feels like absolutely everyone is pregnant and having babies. One of the girls even said "everyone is pregnant right now" and it's like...no.....I'm not....but wish I was. So, I got in the car and cried on the way home.....and then was mad at myself for crying because it's really nothing new.....but all I can do is wake up and try again today.

As for Dr update, we are doing the same regimen as last month which means I should know a bit before Christmas if I'm pregnant. If I'm not, we're most likely going to go ahead and do ivf for the next round.