So we have infertility....

Last week with the 3rd miscarriage we officially qualify as dealing with infertility.

Really, really not where I thought we'd be at 31. And this week I would have been due with the baby from the second pregnancy. I can't even imagine what things would be like if that was the case. It's easy to think that things would be better and wonderful and we wouldn't have had a lot of the problems we've had, but I'm sure things wouldn't have been as easy-peasy as I would like to imagine.

I can't even look at facebook anymore- I feel like everything is people who are pregnant, or friends who are having their first or second baby. Not that it should even matter, but people who got married way after we did. And I feel so isolated- I don't want it to be this way but I feel like even talking to my good friends who are pregnant- I don't want to hear about their pregnancy or babies (I so wish I could identify) even though I care about them and want them to be happy. So just me alone. Even my mom- she says she worries about me then when I talk to her all she cares about is if I've eaten. I mean, that's great and all, but I'm not going to starve to death. She should be more concerned with my mental state and if I'm still bleeding and hurting.

And it feels so depressingly long to think that it could be a year or more until we have a baby- easily. I feel like I need something to focus my energy on besides that, and right now work isn't really cutting it for that either.

We have started looking into adoption- again, not something I ever though even a year ago that we'd be considering. Hard to believe that it hasn't even been a year since our first miscarriage. How different everything was then- it feels like we were so naive and excited and now we're so jaded and disappointed.

I so much hope that we will be able to have kids of our own one day and I want to be pregnant more than anything, but I want to have kids even more than that, and so we're going to look into that as an option at the same time as doing the infertility treatments. I know the experience of actually having the baby would be different, and I'm sure at some level there is a bond that would at least be different through adoption, but I really don't think I would love a baby any less if we chose to adopt it.