Introduction

I like this title because it describes a lot of what is going on in my life as well as the way I aspire to be.

I tend to focus a lot on the end goal, checking things off the list, and can forget that the destinantion is not the main part- 99% is the journey. 

I find that so many times when I "get" the thing that I'm after I find myself saying, "that's it?" I've done it with promotions, shoes that I've lusted after for years, vacations, meals.....you name it. So my resolution is to enjoy the journey more.

It's also a fitting title that at least makes me smile a bit because our dog is named Journey. No, we did not name him for the band (although we like the band) but it is the name he came with from the shelter in Collierville, TN. Also fitting because last summer he went on a 6 week walkabout, only to be found by animal control a few weeks away from starving to death. More on that one later. So- fitting name for many reasons.

I found this section today on a blog that I am subscribed to and found it very fitting for what I have been thinking about lately:

SMART logic begins with the recognition that we swim in paradox. You can love your children and be incredibly frustrated with them at the same time. You can love your job and hate what you have to do today at work. That’s just the nature of reality and the reality of nature. Light is both a wave and a particle.

I found it fitting because I've been thinking a lot lately about the difference between being unhappy with an aspect of life vs being an unhappy person. I know that for much of my life I have acted in a way that I thought was "right" - namely, if I was upset with something, then I had to be upset, period. Don't think that I'm passing any judgement on a right or wrong way to act here- not at all- this is just how I have behaved and reflections on the motivations behind it.

As I've thought about everything that's happened and find myself asking "why?" a lot I had the realization that I can be incredibly unhappy about what has happened over the past year with trying to have a baby but still be a happy person. I don't have to live every day in misery just to somehow show or prove (to myself? the world?) that I want a baby so much that it is all I can think about sometimes. I believe, deep down, that if I can learn to live with that mindset that I will be happier overall. And I'm not saying here that I will never be upset or down- I know that I will be- but I know that there have been and will be hard times and I don't have to let it define me. Maybe I can live with the paradox.

Last night my husband found out from a friend that someone he went to grade school with and is our age (31) has breast cancer. It is definitely a reality check- and makes me feel a little bit silly. What we are going through is hard, but it's not cancer. It's not life or death for us. In the days since my last miscarriage I actually spent some time thinking about the things that we could be going through that would be worse. Kind of a dark activity maybe, and one that I am hesitant to admit, but it did make me feel better in a way.

So- let me wrap up by saying that this blog is primarily a means for me to get some things off my chest. My only hope for it is that if it provides any small bit of comfort or information to someone else going through the same thing then I will be completely happy.